How to tell if a pub is shit or not in 30 seconds

I'm a judgemental bloke. I can easily identify black from white and even push grey towards either side when required. Yesterday, while I was supposed to be tapping away at a trivial document at work I asked myself why I consider some pubs 'good' and some 'bad'. I quickly narrowed it down to one minimalist feature that can sum up the whole atmosphere of a pub. The feature is, the table number. From my experience, pubs that feature numbers pressed into tables on brass disks usually have the atmosphere of a drinking barn rather than a pub. They are generally chain pubs (JDW, LLoyds, All Bar One, Nicholson's or any M&B type place) that serve lousy microwaved food and consider their patrons to be numbers with ££ signs on their foreheads rather than valued customers. If your staff are rubbish, is it really too hard to give out a wooden spoon with a number painted on it? Or a buzzer type arrangement like many pubs in Australia have? Its speaks volumes that these establishments don't trust their customers enough to not steal them. I don't want to drink in places where the lowest common denominator is the petty crim.

In saying all this, I realise that I am a massive pub snob. I pretty much only drink in a handful of pubs these days as I am tired of getting served poorly kept ale.